Living With Borderline Personality Disorder: The Emotional War No One Sees

02.04.2026

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder: The Emotional War No One Sees

by Trinity Scholl

Sometimes I wonder if I’m even alive right now. What if I’m just another part of the statistic?

Research has shown that around 70 percent of people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) will have at least one suicide attempt in their lifetime and many will make multiple suicide attempts. And for people with BPD there is a higher likelihood of suicide attempts.

Sometimes I feel empty. Not fully being present in my own life.

I struggle with self-image and emotional regulation. Sometimes I get distant. I disassociate from myself and exist somewhere in between reality and the void. It’s hard for me to say sorry to those I hurt in the process of hurting myself. The guilt and shame I have for hurting those I care about is gut-wrenching pain.

I can’t sit still. My mind’s moving 100 mph and it’s almost impossible to slow it down. I think this has to do with my ADHD as well. Countless flashbacks play in the back of my mind on a reel. Like a horror movie I try but I can’t escape.

When you have BPD it’s hard to control your emotions. It’s an emotional switch that flips. Like the breaker box is shot and all the wires are frayed. I have OCD as well so I obsessively worry if people I care about will leave me – or rather when they will leave.

Loyalty and respect are huge for me. I let others have so much power over my emotions, I give all of me, I love so hard. People with BPD have what we call our “favorite person.” We look for someone who can provide a sense of security and stability, someone who makes us feel safe. When I get close to someone, I go into a state of panic fueled by my overwhelming fear of rejection and abandonment.

Distance feels like abandonment. Losing someone feels like they’re dying. Loving someone feels like losing control. Anger is blinded rage. Feeling “normal” feels like nothing. I have self-destructive binges and manic tangents that have labeled me reckless and often left me stranded.

I try to shake this illness that holds my existence captive – a prisoner in my own mind. Will I ever feel whole again? When you have BPD, nothing seems real. You often question if you really do exist.

Living with BPD is the equivalent of constantly being at war with yourself. You don’t get quiet moments.
But I sustain myself on the idea that everything will be okay. People ask me why I can’t just shut it off – as if it’s that easy. I’m doing everything I can to stop the voices in my head; they are so loud.

Patience is required with me. When things are good, they're great. But I must remind myself it's never a stable state, because my happy is happier than yours, but my sadness…well it's a curse. My emotions change so quickly. Emotions can be overbearing and it's difficult to stay quiet when someone upsets me. We fear rejection and abandonment the most. I am quick to cry and to anger and I have no impulse control.

People think I'm strange, but they don't see how hard I try to control it. But I am slowly accepting my disease, and I remember not to let it define me. I am turning my greatest weakness into my greatest strength. BPD is the worst mental health disorder, but I am turning it into my gift. I am a fighter, not by choice, and a warrior at heart.

I’m learning how to cope with this disorder every day. DBT therapy helps me learn how to cope. It is a form of therapy that helps you learn how to regulate your emotions – something that people who have BPD struggle with. DBT taught me how to navigate my emotions instead of being consumed by them. I learned to observe my feelings, and practice self-compassion. Skills like mindfulness, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation have become my lifelines. They remind me that I am not my impulses, my fears, or my pain—I am the person behind them, capable of resilience, growth, and love.

My faith has been the foundation beneath all this work. God has been my constant, my safe place, and the source of my strength. Through prayer, scripture, and surrender, I’ve learned that my worth is not determined by my struggles or my mistakes. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and His love is steady even when mine feels chaotic.

Together, DBT and my faith have helped me turn my greatest challenges into my greatest gifts.

I’m learning to be kinder to myself. I frequently tell myself – “if some days you need to stay in bed, that’s okay. If some days you forget to take your medication, that’s okay. If some days you act on your impulses, that is okay.”

I chose to share my story with ADAA because I want to give a voice to the battles that most people hide. Don’t hide yourself from the world because you are different.

I am radiant, I am highly favored, and I am loved. I am a child of the most high! Yes, I have borderline personality disorder - but my life is worth living!