need to say somethings
I'm new to this site. i have been dealing with an anxiety disorder since I was in kindergarden can't remember exactly how old i was at the time. I'm here mainly because I can't seem to get a grip on it even though i recognize when i have an attack. I was diagnosed with both ADD and Anxiety disorder and a small eating disorder around about the same. I'm now 21 and am in collage, but life isn't going where i would of liked it. through out my life i have always been afraid of the future, i was never really sure of what i wanted to be and that still holds true today. If i upset anybody at any point, then i would fear and quell on it long after the event. For instance, i still have trouble sleeping at night for the time I said something rude to my mom when i was 8 or 10, or anything to that extent. i just tell myself that it doesn't matter, that they forgot about those things already. But i haven't. and that kills me. my family has always been supportive and for that i thank them, but it comes to a point where you don't want to hear from someone from the outside who say the same "we love you no matter what you do". These days i try to keep my mind of stuff with video games, music, and the most important thing in my life, friends. But i still have problems escaping my disorder. when im walking on campus i can't help but think that when people look at me, that they think ill of me regardless of them knowing me or not. For this reason, i have yet to ever have a girlfriend. im too afraid of what others think of me. I'm a really skinny individual, almost unnaturally skinny, due in-part to a high metabolism that runs in the family and my medicine for ADD that kills appetite. But my hugest issue is by far my choice of major in school. see, I at first had the ideal of being a programmer, but soon realized it was not for me, at the same time i really found myself enjoying philosophy and excelling at it as well. so i decided to pursue a philosophy degree. But this only led me to more pain. I always get the question, whats your major, with me following, "Philosophy". but all i ever get from that is a look on their faces or a laugh, and them telling me my choice is a bad one, i'm wasting my money and time. I never ever get any approval. just a bunch of people who look down on me and a confused me not knowing what i will do after i graduate collage. I have no money to my name and am paying all school through loans. I'm too far into my degree to change where I'm heading and at this point i feel helpless on how i control my life. i chose this path, and there are moments where i feel it was right, but they are always destroyed by my anxiety. it's frustrating and i hate myself for it. I want to make clear that I have no intentions of ever killing myself, and don't think i ever will. But I am afraid of what happens next in my life.
ps. sorry for the double post, the internet spazzed out on me.