Life in the Dark
I am 47 year old man who has a realpse of major depression, panic disorder with agoraphobia. I have been bouncing around from mainia to deep depression suicidal issues, to now life in the dark. I am taking many meds, a handful in the a.m. and p.m. I currently cant not be around people and anymore confusion than I alredy have. So being out in the daytime is not an option. Getting to my docs visits during the day is very stressful and put me in a state of panic and shaking. I dont drive due to a panic attack tht almost ran over some school kids. So I have a driver, that I depend on. My living in the darkness: I got to bed at 10 pm and up by 130-200am. This is when I feel safest to go out side with the dogs for a short walk. I can open the curtins in the house and see the light from the city. When the daylight hits, I shut down the curtains, I feel like people are watching me all the time. I try to behelpful around the house, then take some meds and sleep from 9am to12-1pm and several naps around the house in different spots. This has been my cycle for many months. I have things working for me a, grocery shopper/driver who tolerates my illness of a life style. I believe this will never change. I can not deal with all the panic and I am safe at home. I dont see this changing, so I am adjusting my life of darkness to fit as my wall shrink in and my space is smaller. The goal is to try and not kill myself or hurt some noisey neighbor or those around me.Some days I am so close to checking out! When the aggitation and frustration hits I become very angry and irritated to the point of danger. I have no friends to really talk to, and counciling is out as I have tried; just my wife who is working her ass off to provide... Anyone else have a life in the dark or am I just wierd.