Working Hard at Life
By Pamm Lindsay

It takes 14 pills a day and sometimes more to coax my body to do what it should do naturally. All of my neurotransmitters, my neural pathways and corresponding chemicals and systems, just get confused unless something from outside of my body tells them what to do and helps them do it. Some days I have to fight harder than others just to survive. And the formidable enemies I am fighting are depression and anxiety. Two illnesses I have come to know all too well. It has pretty much been that way since my childhood.

As a child I did not know that these mysterious unbelievably debilitating illnesses could be shared across generations. I watched members of my family fight and somehow tolerate the same types of pain and fear that I would be fighting later on.

I spent the first eight years of my life living with my grandmother, someone who never left her house alone because she had an intense level of discomfort, panic, and fear. Her rather unusual behavior did not register with me, but as an adult I came to understand the behavioral and the environmental components attached to these enemies. And I learned that I had inherited predispositions for dysfunction and anguish.

Depression hurts and anxiety is scary, and both can be debilitating. My onset of major depression came in my early twenties, when I did not know that help was available and that it’s possible for people to resume their activities with minimal disruption. My depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and social anxiety disorder will most probably be with me the rest of my life. And I have had panic attacks so powerful that I feel I am ready to pass out. They take me to a point of being unable to see anything but blazing white light. But I am fortunate to have received effective treatment from well-trained medical professionals.

And helping other people is therapeutic, and it has made a huge impact on my ability to be resilient each time I am knocked down. I have learned a great deal about myself from helping others through their difficulties.

It was important to fully understand what I was battling and why. I guess that is why I continue to do extensive research, and is part of the reason I have pursued a graduate degree in psychology from Harvard University. I really wanted a positive challenge and I was fortunate to be able to work and study effectively for many years, but not without many bumps in the road of my life. As I grow older the battle has become more difficult and the bumps more numerous. But I continue to fight and help others do the same because there are answers, and making positive strides feels good.

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