My Story of Survival: Battling PTSD
By P.K. Philips

It is a continuous challenge living with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and I've suffered from it for most of my life. I can look back now and gently laugh at all the people who thought I had the perfect life. I was young, beautiful, and talented, but unbeknownst to them, I was terrorized by an undiagnosed debilitating mental illness. Having been properly diagnosed with PTSD just over a year ago at age 35, I know that there is not one aspect of my life that has gone untouched by this mental illness. I'd like to share with my story with you to give you a sense of what it's like to live with chronic PTSD.

In my case PTSD was triggered by several traumas, including a childhood laced with physical, mental and sexual abuse, and later, by an attack at knife-point which left me thinking I would die. I would never be the same after that attack. For me there was no safe place in the world, not even my home. I went to the police and filed a report. Rape counselors came to see me while I was in the hospital, but I declined their help, convinced that I didn't need it. This would be the most damaging decision of my life.

For months after the attack, I couldn't close my eyes without envisioning the face of my attacker. I suffered horrific flashbacks and nightmares. For four years after the attack I was unable to sleep alone in my house. I obsessively checked windows, doors and locks. By age 17, I suffered my first panic attack. The attacks continued and I soon became unable to leave my apartment for weeks at a time, ending my modeling career abruptly. This just became a way of life. Years passed when I had few or no symptoms at all, and I led what I thought was a fairly normal life, just thinking I had a "panic problem."

Four years ago another traumatic event re-triggered the PTSD. It was as if all the years had evaporated and I was back in the place of my attack, only now I had uncontrollable thoughts of someone entering my house and harming my daughter. I saw violent images every time I closed my eyes. I lost all ability to concentrate or even complete simple tasks. Normally social, I stopped trying to make friends or get involved in my community. I often felt disoriented, forgetting where, or who, I was - which was terrifying. I would panic on the freeway and became unable to drive, again ending my career. I felt like I had completely lost my mind. For a time, I managed to keep it together on the outside, but then I became unable to leave my house again.

Around this time I was diagnosed with PTSD. I cannot express to you the enormous relief I felt when I discovered my condition was real and treatable. I felt safe for the first time in 32 years. I began taking medication, which in combination with behavioral therapy, marked the turning point in my regaining control of my life. I completed an intensive three weeks of prolonged exposure therapy, which finally got me out of my house, and slowly back into a full life. I'm working again and rebuilding a satisfying career as an artist. I am enjoying my life - the world is new to me and not limited by the restrictive vision of anxiety. It amazes me to think back to what my life was like only a year ago, and just how far I've come.

For me there is no cure at present, no final healing from PTSD or the cause of it. But there are things I can do to ensure that I never have to suffer as I did before being diagnosed. I'm no longer at the mercy of my disorder and I would not be here today had I not had the proper diagnosis and treatment. The most important thing to know is that it's never too late to seek help.