By Jack Wagner

CLANK-- Anyone who has been on a roller coaster ride knows the sound of metal hitting metal as the safety bar bangs to a close in front of you. That noise is quickly followed by the sensation of fear as you are pulled up to the top of the track and the weightless feeling of dropping down the backside of the ride. Your heart races, you feel the palms of your hands sweating, and you know you have no control over your fate at this point. Well, imagine that every time you get into your car in your garage it is like getting into that roller coaster vehicle. Your palms begin to sweat, your heart races out of control, and you feel you are hanging on for dear life with absolutely no control over the outcome. That is what happened to me one day, and what follows is the tale of what that feeling did to my life and how I reacted.

With me it started slowly. It started as a strange feeling deep in the back of my mind. The "roller coaster" feeling of lightheadedness and the sweaty palms started to creep into my driving. I had been doing a lot of driving for my job and needed to commute a long distance on a regular basis.

Driving on larger roads with open spaces on the sides of the roads seemed to be the place where it all started to hit me. It quickly included large roads with steep downhill grades. As my palms began to sweat and my heart began to race, I would slow down. I would become lightheaded and dizzy, almost as though I could look down on myself from above. Subsequently, I would feel that I could easily pass out. Reducing the speed of the car felt like an act of self-preservation or natural reaction to being out of control. I had no idea what was going on.

My reaction was that possibly I was going crazy. Was it a physical problem caused by some sort of chemical imbalance? Was it a disease or inner ear problem that resulted in a loss of balance? I was confused and at a loss for an explanation. How could this happen to me? I have been successful in my career and have a happy and stable family life. I could see all of this crashing in on me. I did not know where to go, and I felt a great deal of self-doubt about reaching an answer on my own. I felt like I was spiraling out of control.

The panic problems started during 1990. It was a trying time for me from both a business and personal perspective. A new home, a family feeling disconnected from their roots, and a difficult work environment. It was 1992 before I was able to talk to anyone about the panic attacks. I knew I had to tell my family. I remember a feeling of doubt and a fear of them not understanding. Over time I simply started letting my wife do the driving on the weekends. Then, one day my wife and son got to experience the problem firsthand, and life changed forever.

During a 1992 trip to the shore, we stopped at a rest stop on the Garden State Parkway, we were less than an hour from our house. My wife said she was getting sleepy and asked if I could drive. I pulled out of the rest stop. Within a couple of hundred yards it hit me. I started rubbing my hands on my pants, and that caught my wife's attention. She saw the look of fear in my eyes and asked me to pull over.
The incident with my family was the one that pushed me over the edge, and I finally realized that I had to get professional help. My first stop was with my personal physician. She listened and tried to reassure me that I was not losing my mind. The next day I called the private counselor that my doctor had recommended. She made it very clear from the initial call that she understood what I was experiencing.

From the time that the panic started in 1990 until I finally started to get help in 1992, the only people who knew what was going on was my family. One recommendation of my counselor was to start to share what was happening to me with some other people who I trust. I had a very close relationship with two people I worked with on a regular basis, my manager and a co-worker. I had a great deal of fear about telling them. Would they take this as a form of defeat or weakness and change my assignments or position? Would it impact my ability to move ahead? Would they simply be afraid of me and avoid me on a personal or professional basis? Would I become too embarrassed to deal with them? These were some of the many questions that plagued my mind.

I told my manager about the problem, and her reaction was one of kindness and understanding, not fear. She simply asked what she could do and said if I needed her help she was there. I walked away from the meeting with a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders. No change in assignments, no running away from me in fear, and no changes in how she dealt with me on a day-to-day basis. To me this was a ray of hope, and there had not been too many of those over the past couple of years.

The next step was to open up to a close friend and coworker. Once again, her initial reaction was one of concern and understanding. In fact, her reaction was very low key, as if to say, "So what's the problem here?" We often traveled together on business trips, and she let me drive. If I started to have a panic attack, I could tell her, and she would take over the driving. No fear, no lectures, no loss of confidence in me. Her reaction was difficult for me to relate to, but something I was very grateful to have.

The professional treatment was working. Over the course of two years we talked, we drew pictures, we played little games to stimulate discussion. As I talked to her, my problems did not sound so terrible. She pointed out very clearly that I was not alone in what I was experiencing.

The fight is never over. Now, after nine years of this, one could say that I have it under control; but I would not say that. It is better, but never gone. The fear is still there in me, but managed. I have a better understanding of myself, and what happened. Professional help was the answer for me.

In a strange but real way there are some positive benefits! I have learned the back roads to
just about everywhere. This becomes a very valuable skill during traffic jams and storms. It is not something I started out to do, but what the heck! I have learned to exploit public transportation whenever possible. More importantly, I have learned that there are limits or boundaries in a person's mind. Our existence is very fragile, and the key to understanding these limits is self- awareness and sharing our thoughts and feelings with others.

Why, after nine years have I written all of this down? I know I am not alone out there. I know there are a lot of sweaty palms, racing hearts, lightheaded feelings, and disoriented folks. The clank of the metal safety bar is there for many business professionals. Speaking in front of large groups, flying in small planes or, like me, driving to work on a day-to-day basis can be the types of panic situations that many people out there are dealing with. In fact I feel very lucky that mine was only driving. I can get up in front of a business audience of thousands of people and that energy rush becomes a very positive one. That is how it works for me. Today is a much better day than nine years ago.