Honoring the Person I Am
By K. Waheed

I am a 42-year-old woman, married with two children. I was diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) at age 25—that was in 1991. I am grateful to say that I have had tremendous support, terrific professional help, a strong will to recover, and a resolve to do whatever worknecessary to overcome all of the trauma. Other miraculous help has been my spiritual beliefs and practices.

As a child I suffered numerous traumatic events that began when I was just two years old. I was physically abused, sexually abused, emotionally abused, and spiritually abused. I was terrorized, tortured, neglected, and abandoned. Unfortunately, there were multiple perpetrators; that has made the healing and confusion about what pieces of the puzzle fit together tiresome at times.

The good news is it's gotten better! One tremendous step in the right direction was putting myself in therapy at 21 years of age. Another was quitting drinking alcohol with the help of AA. I abused alcohol to escape reality. I am grateful to say I have been sober now for 18 years.

It was just after my first AA anniversary that I began having persistent, terrifyingflashbacks that came in many forms, including flashes of images in my mind (like a movie, only skipping some parts), body memories, and loss of time due to dissociation. I admitted myself into a psychiatric hospital, and the journey to recovery began. It was while there I was diagnosed with PTSD.

I'd like to say I no longer suffer from flashbacks, but even at the time of this writing, I am in the middle of recovering another memory from my childhood. This has become routine after all these years, but unfortunately it does include horrible flashbacks, and that is the frustrating part. I have learned they won't kill me or make my head explode—something I used to believe was the case.

I am still working hard in therapy, even after 21 years. Thank goodness, though, I do have reprieves from the hard work and get to just "be." To get to be a human being and not just a human doing—it’s been wonderfully empowering! I take it one day at a time, try not to take myself too seriously, and I honor the person I am andthe wounded child inside. Today, I know I am safe. That is the best feeling in the world!

Read more about K's road to recovery in the Spotlight feature Recovery From PTSD.

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