My Story of Survival:
Battling PTSD
By P.K. Philips
It is a continuous
challenge living with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and I've suffered from it for most of my life. I can look back now and gently
laugh at all the people who thought I had the perfect life. I was young, beautiful,
and talented, but unbeknownst to them, I was terrorized by an undiagnosed
debilitating mental illness. Having been properly diagnosed with PTSD just
over a year ago at age 35, I know that there is not one aspect of my life
that has gone untouched by this mental illness. I'd like to share with my
story with you to give you a sense of what it's like to live with chronic
PTSD.
In my case PTSD was
triggered by several traumas, including a childhood laced with physical, mental
and sexual abuse, and later, by an attack at knife-point which left me thinking
I would die. I would never be the same after that attack. For me there was
no safe place in the world, not even my home. I went to the police and filed
a report. Rape counselors came to see me while I was in the hospital, but
I declined their help, convinced that I didn't need it. This would be the
most damaging decision of my life.
For months after the
attack, I couldn't close my eyes without envisioning the face of my attacker.
I suffered horrific flashbacks and nightmares. For four years after the attack
I was unable to sleep alone in my house. I obsessively checked windows, doors
and locks. By age 17, I suffered my first panic attack. The attacks continued
and I soon became unable to leave my apartment for weeks at a time, ending
my modeling career abruptly. This just became a way of life. Years passed
when I had few or no symptoms at all, and I led what I thought was a fairly
normal life, just thinking I had a "panic problem."
Four years ago another
traumatic event re-triggered the PTSD. It was as if all the years had evaporated
and I was back in the place of my attack, only now I had uncontrollable thoughts
of someone entering my house and harming my daughter. I saw violent images
every time I closed my eyes. I lost all ability to concentrate or even complete
simple tasks. Normally social, I stopped trying to make friends or get involved
in my community. I often felt disoriented, forgetting where, or who, I was
- which was terrifying. I would panic on the freeway and became unable to
drive, again ending my career. I felt like I had completely lost my mind.
For a time, I managed to keep it together on the outside, but then I became
unable to leave my house again.
Around this time I
was diagnosed with PTSD. I cannot express to you the enormous relief I felt
when I discovered my condition was real and treatable. I felt safe for the
first time in 32 years. I began taking medication, which in combination with
behavioral therapy, marked the turning point in my regaining control of my
life. I completed an intensive three weeks of prolonged exposure therapy,
which finally got me out of my house, and slowly back into a full life. I'm
working again and rebuilding a satisfying career as an artist. I am enjoying
my life - the world is new to me and not limited by the restrictive vision
of anxiety. It amazes me to think back to what my life was like only a year
ago, and just how far I've come.
For me there is no
cure at present, no final healing from PTSD or the cause of it. But there
are things I can do to ensure that I never have to suffer as I did before
being diagnosed. I'm no longer at the mercy of my disorder and I would not
be here today had I not had the proper diagnosis and treatment. The most important
thing to know is that it's never too late to seek help.
