LIVING WITH PANIC DISORDER
Susie G.

Even as a young child I was anxious. My father had a serious heart condition, and although he tried to make light of it, I felt it hanging over the family from an early age. There was always a feeling of uncertainty. Partly as a result of this, I displayed the behaviors which I now realize are common to anxious children: repeating phrases, counting things like floor or ceiling tiles, repeatedly touching objects, and frequent hand washing. These behaviors lessened as I grew older, but they were an indication of things to come.

My father died when I was 17 - right between prom and high school graduation. My anxiety level increased considerably after his death. I would experience difficulty swallowing and breathing, and I was very jumpy - any loud noise would spook me. It wasn't until my sophomore year in college, however, that I experienced my first panic attack. It was spring semester, nearing the second anniversary of my father's death, and I had just moved into the dorms. Hanging out with my friends one evening, I was overcome with a wave of anxiety. I became dizzy, I felt like I could not swallow, and I was absolutely convinced that my tongue was twice its normal size. I also felt that I was outside of my body looking on at what was happening; I now know this is a common panic attack symptom referred to as "depersonalization." I was pretty certain that I was either dying or going crazy - my money was on dying.

I immediately called my older sister and her husband, who is a psychiatrist. There was no question in their minds about what was happening to me. I found out that my three sisters and my mother had all suffered from panic attacks. I was in for a very unpleasant summer. My first attack let the genie out of the bottle, so to speak, and I experienced panic attacks on a daily basis, sometimes more than one. I was diagnosed with panic disorder within a week of my first attack and I was put on medication soon after. This was before the advent of SSRIs, so I was prescribed a tricyclic antidepressant - it worked, but the side effects were not very pleasant.

After 16 years, much therapy, and various medications - I am now taking an SSRI - I am happy to say that I have come to terms with my disorder. It is a part of my life and, just like a diabetic, I know what my triggers are (not eating properly and not getting enough sleep) and how I can avoid them. I do not have panic attacks often, but I can recognize the signs of an impending attack and have coping mechanisms in place for when I feel one is coming. They are frightening, but I know that I will not die from them and that the feeling will go away.

I don't know that I would consider myself "cured" of panic disorder, but it does not control my life or what I do. Medication, therapy, and the support of my family and friends have been invaluable to me. I manage to survive, quite nicely, despite this disorder.