A sad existence?
I feel myself pulling further and further away from other people. I excuse myself with the notion that I hate the social requirements of life. I hate that simply by exiting my home, I become subjected to the performance of life itself. Once I'm out there, I feel all the expectations of all the people around me and I know I simply will not be able to perform for them. I'm required to smile and nod to a stranger. I'm required to approach an acquaintance or friend in the grocery store and engage them in at least a friendly hello. All I want to do is get the errand done and get back to my house or at least to my car. I can't stand the unknown factors of the world. Will I bump into someone? Will I be able to evade them or will I be forced to engage in the dreaded small talk and end up looking like a nervous fool creating an awkward situation for both of us. Some days I feel empowered to just say "screw it... i need groceries." and just get it done without thinking too much about the situation itself. But, these are rare moments anymore. I find myself being angry all the time at everyone and everything because I feel the pressure on me and I blame whatever I can. I used to be able to push through it. I find myself more and more, just giving in to the fear and anxiety. I'm not fighting it as much as I used to. I'm tired of it. I'm letting myself believe it will be easier to just be alone. I've always been the shy, quite girl. In social situations, there always seems to be that one person who feels compelled to let me know that I'm so quite and I "never" talk. I'm a very private person. I like the anonymity of the internet. I could never sit and talk to someone like this. I talked to my husband once about all this and he said it sounded like a "sad existence" and tried to encourage me to change the way I saw the world. If it were only that easy. I don't want people to know me. I like to fade into the background. I don't like having attention on me and I don't like being noticed. Life is overwhelming and exhausting. The truth is, I'm just very scared of the world around me. I've been told I'm "easy to use" before. I'm naive and gullible. So, naturally I have trust issues. I just want to run away from it all. But where would I run and how would I live? Am I living now or just getting through? Going through the motions of living in order to fool those looking on at my life. Is anyone really looking? Is it all in my head? Partially, yes. But, my thoughts, they do persist. They circle around my head until I can't make sense of them anymore. "Hello. My name is Anonymous. I'm an over-thinker with social anxiety."