 |
|
|
Beating the Shy
Kid's Back to School Blues
By Karen L. Cassiday, Ph.D., A.C.T.
Dr. Cassiday is a member of ADAA and is in private practice
at the Anxiety & Agoraphobia Treatment Center in Northbrook and Chicago,
IL.
Going back to school
each fall is usually a time of happy anticipation for most elementary school
kids, unless they suffer from social anxiety disorder. For these children,
going back to school means worrying about whether or not friends will pick
you for play or pick on you. Parenting a socially anxious child means that
you too will face the dilemma of helping your child develop friendships and
manage the inevitable pain of being picked on by peers. Here are some tips
that might help prevent the shy kid's back to school blues.
Since all children best learn their social skills from peers, you need to
make sure that your child has lots of time to play with other children. I
tell my patients that one play date is worth many therapy sessions. Invite
the families of the really nice kids from your child's class over for dinner
so that your child can get to better know them. If your child is not spontaneously
playing everyday with his peers, then schedule at least one weekday and one
weekend play date with kids from your child's class. Have a back to school
party for your child's class near the first day of school so that your child
will become more comfortable with his class. Give away as party favors address
lists with the class's phone numbers. If your child finds recess difficult,
get permission for them to take a toy that invites group play, such as Chinese
jump rope, the electronic game Simon, or special sports equipment, such as
a nerf football.
Lastly, here are some suggestions about handling teasing and bullying. Being
a therapist has taught me that shy children are magnets for bullies. Their
biggest mistake is that they fail to learn to fight back the way that socially
skilled children do and hope for others to prevent bullying. Teach your child
how to protect themselves for the times that the teacher's back is turned
by having them practice handling likely bullying situations, such as being
told that they are babyish, stupid, or ugly. I teach my patients to reply
in a loud sarcastic voice (so that everyone learns not to pick on them) and
use responses such as the following:
- "Who made you the king,
or queen, of ___________ (fill in the blank with an appropriate category,
such as fashion, the playground, etc.)?"
- "It takes one to know one!"
- Older kids can try "Why are
you paying so much attention to me? Are you in LOVE with me?"
- "Have you got a problem that
you have to spend so much time picking on people?
Then after making
their response, turn away and act bored or disgusted with the bully. Have
your child practice replying to typical insults until they can do it easily
and then reward them heavily for trying them out on obnoxious peers. Chances
are that once they start practicing their retorts, they will not only empower
themselves and gain peer respect, but they will also receive less bullying.
As parents, teachers,
and doctors, how can we help our children develop the tools to survive and
grow when they are no longer in our care 24/7? Here are some tips to help
your children learn to socialize, make new friends and keep existing friendships
strong.
How to Show Your
Friends That You Care
- Tell a friend that you like them
- Remember the things friends tell
you about themselves
- Show affection to friends through
physical gestures like smiling, hugging, looking at them and standing close
to them
- Seek out your friend's company
by smiling or waving to them
- Recognize a friend's special
occasions
- Speak well of your friends and
let others know that you like your friends
- E-mail, phone or write to friends
when you cannot be together
- Really listen to your friends
without having to always tell them something in return.
8 Ways for a Teen
to Start a Conversation
1. Approach a peer
that is involved in an activity with you and ask an open-ended question or
make a comment about the situation.
"What do you think of that project the teacher gave us?"
2. Compliment others on what they are wearing or on something they said or
did.
"What a great belly ring!"
3. Make a casual observation about what someone is doing.
"You must really enjoy art a lot."
4. Ask a peer for help, advice, an opinion or information.
"What chapters were we supposed to read for this week?"
"What kind of paper are you going to write?"
5. Ask someone to join you in an activity.
"Do you want to help me stack these chairs?"
"Could you help me carry this equipment over there?"
6. Offer to help.
"You can borrow my notes for now. I don't need them until later in the
week."
7. Share an opinion, feelings or experiences that are similar to someone else's.
"That happens to me all the time."
8. Say "Hello" and ask them their name and tell them yours.
(Materials
adapted from seminar handouts by Karen Lynn Cassiday, Ph.D., A.C.T.)
Close
Window
|
