Faces of Hope
By Donna Parish

The day starts out okay. I have the day off so I make plans to get out of the house and do something fun for a change. I have sulked around long enough. I used to love to shop and I could use a new outfit.
I drive to the store. No problems. I feel pretty good today. I park the car and go inside.
I push my buggy up and down a few aisles. It feels good to be out of the house. I browse through some clothes and pick out a cute outfit. I walk back to the dressing room. It feels warm, but I am ok. I try on my outfit and leave the dressing room. I continue my shopping. It still feels kind of warm. My stomach starts growling. I should have eaten breakfast. I notice that the store seems to be getting more crowded. I feel kind of shaky but I am sure it is just because I need to eat.
I turn the next aisle. I don't feel good. What if I have another panic attack? I try to control my breathing. Afterall, I have been told that you can control a panic attack by your breathing. Not that I am going to have a panic attack today. I know what panic attacks are, they can't hurt me and I am not afraid of them.
The more I think about breathing, the more it seems harder to breath. I take a really deep breath but it doesn't help. I feel a hot, tingly feeling. I wonder what is wrong with me? I was fine a few minutes ago. My chest hurts. Could this be a heart attack?
I just need to get out of this store. I am way in the back of the store. I will never make it. What if I faint in front of all these people? I feel like I am going to vomit. Not here! I have to get out of here. I can't breath. I'll never make it to the door.
I'll just sit down here on the floor for a minute. If I faint, at least I won't have as far to fall. My chest hurts and people are looking at me funny. I should have never come shopping. What was I thinking?
Someone asks if I am ok. "No. I am going to faint." I ask a complete stranger to call my husband. A salesperson and a manager come over to me. They ask if I am ok. "No, I don't feel good." I lay down on the floor but the whole store is spinning so I sit back up. My hands go numb and my mouth feels tingly. I can't be hyperventilating, I am breathing slow. Something is really wrong with me this time.
"Do you need an ambulance?" the manager asks. "Yes, something is wrong with me, I am so dizzy." I dig in my purse for a Xanax. Someone brings me a glass of water. Everyone is asking me questions. Did I fall? Do I have diabetes? Am I on blood pressure medicine? What is my name? I feel confused and not sure of my answers.
Is this real? Am I really sitting on the floor of this store with people all around me or is this a bad dream? Another wave of severe dizziness makes me nauseous. Someone brings me a trashcan, just in case.
Where is my husband? He is going to be so disappointed in me again. Why didn't I just stay home today?
The paramedics arrive. They are talking so slow. I don't have time to answer questions. "I am going to faint" I yell at them. Everything is spinning and my heart is beating way too fast. "I just have to get out of this store, please just get me out of here" I beg the paramedics. I try to relax and prepare for the total blackness that comes when I pass out. I can't seem to get enough air in my lungs.
As they load me into the ambulance, I am shaking so bad it looks like some kind of seizure. I can't stop shaking; there has to be something wrong with me. The paramedics check my vital signs. I am surprised to hear them say that my blood pressure is normal. My heart rate is kind of fast but everything else is ok. How can I be ok? I feel like I am going to die. In fact I will probably die here in the ambulance and no one will ever know what was wrong with me.
We arrive at the ER. As soon as I hear my husband's voice, I start to cry. I have let him down again. No wonder he has high blood pressure. I am making him sick. I am so embarrassed. Please God, let me wake up and this all be just a bad dream.