A Hike I Will Never Forget
by Sandra Edwards

This past fall, I took part in a wonderful and extremely challenging hike. After I thought about the success I experienced in being able to climb beyond what I would have expected, I began to compare it to my struggle with panic disorder, agrophobia and depression.

The hike was with three experienced hikers, while I was not. I found myself on an extremely challenging climb and wondered how I would be able to keep up with the others or to even complete the hike as we went off-trail. I didn't want to hold up the others nor did I want to terminate the hike due to my lack of being physically prepared. I continued to place one foot in front of the other, putting much effort into each step.

We started at 9,000 feet on the 10K trail, our destination being the south crest of the Sandias. Musai, a teacher of Buddhism who was soon to become a priest, led the trip. He and his wife hiked often. Yet for me, none of climb was without labor and heavy breathing. I pushed on with determination. Finally, we reached the top of the South Crest. What a feeling of accomplishment I had that late morning. During the walk up, struggling though I was, I could not help but be aware of the beauty in which I found myself. Since this was a "Buddhist" hike, we had walked in silence, speaking only when necessary. At the top, we all went to separate areas to do whatever we wished, to meditate, read, or write.

We each spent an hour in solitude, hearing only the sounds of the forest. The sun warmed me and I felt very tranquil in this quiet spot. Later we ate lunch and after conversation, we headed back through the forest on a different route, which would eventually lead to an area where we had not walked previously. It was not a down hill trek, as I had hoped. I found myself walking with Musai, who did not rush the experience while he pointed things out to me. He answered my many questions and spoke Shakespeare. We soon caught up with the others at the end of the hike. I felt a feeling of wonder that I had accomplished what I questioned so often during the hike, "Can I do this?"

The light was changing as we began our drive down the Sandia Mountains, passing beautiful scenery that appeared different than on the drive that morning. The colors were spectacular. We have magical times in our lives and this was one of them for me. Riding down the Sandia Mountains while listening to Bach and watching the exquisite scenery with new friends, created feelings of joy and wellbeing. How happy I was that I accepted the offer to join this small group.

I write of these experiences because I used, and continue to use, similar cognitive skills in my journey with panic disorder and depression. These skills and the medications I take have made it possible for me to accomplish so many things that I could not have done without the combination of both.

Going on the hike is not something I would have challenged myself with years ago. It would have been too frightening to be away from a "safe" place and I would have feared having a panic attack during the climb. Now I am able to take these challenges.